call it by name

Can I be real with you for a minute? This week has been hard. Like really, really hard.

I have found some comfort in knowing that it is not going to last forever. Just as I know that the very best memories and vacations and moments can’t go on and on and on, sometimes I need the reminder that these tough seasons can’t either.

Anxiety is something I have struggled with strongly in the past, but other than stopping by for an occasional hello, it has not had much of a presence in my life for a while. And then without warning, this old friend decided to pop in for a visit.

She’s a little different each time. She throws open the door, running in-full-force, and the sense of overwhelm begins. She whispers in my ear, reminding me that making a decision will only lead to worse things and somehow causing my breath to not come as easily as it should. She pulls the anger out, almost in an instant, and then throws shame in my face. Because what kind of mother am I that snaps at my kids like that? She reminds me of the things I’m not. She taunts me while I say things that don’t quite make sense and laughs while I wonder how I ended up in this place again. She soothes me, stroking my hair, telling me that things don’t really matter and handing me another potato chip. Be still. Don’t move from this place.

The lies she tells are often small. They can be brushed aside. But the echo returns.

I cling to the daily habits that have helped me create this life I love, knowing it may lead me to the other side. I make my bed. Mantras swirl in my head. I fill the page with gratitude. I write my goals. I own my emotions. I force myself to share them, even when I don’t really want to. I tidy as I go. I grind my coffee at night and set the timer for the morning.

I’ve been here before, and I chose to bear it alone. I hid behind a smile and a filter and shared my “best life” like all the rest.

This time, I’m choosing differently. I’m owning it for what it is and calling it by name. I’m accepting it as part of my struggle and attempting to learn from it as I go along. I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable, which has apparently become the necessary theme of my life these days.

I’m also choosing to reach out to you, friend, and tell you that if you are dealing with struggle or anxiety or depression or addiction or anything else that makes you feel like you are alone, I can tell you that you most definitely aren’t.

And I want to remind you the same thing I am reminding myself. This is not forever. I know that just as those good things can’t last, neither can this. There are better days ahead.

This was originally shared February 14, 2020.