mothering myself

I took my son to the doctor yesterday for a cough that hasn’t seemed to go away, and I got the rare occasion of time with just him. We stopped by the store to pick up a couple things on the way home, and at the checkout he clung to my leg and whispered, “Mama, can you ask him if I can have a coloring sheet?” “You can ask him.” The immediate look of disappointment.

The cashier and the bagger were grinning at him. He hid behind me and clung tighter. Barely audible, I heard, “But mama, I want you to…” I told him to be brave. I told him to take a deep breath and reminded him that the hardest thing to do was to start. I told him it was ok to ask for help. Another customer waited graciously behind us, while we watched to see what my meek 4-year-old would choose.

He begged once more.

I told him it was up to him. He could ask, or he could leave without the coloring sheet. (Mean, mean mama…😉) He pulled me down. “Mama, would you help me?” I smiled, and hand in hand, we asked (him barely audible) that simple question that rewarded his prize. He turned and timidly requested one for his brother too.

No response. The man hadn’t heard him. He looked at me, and I nodded, urging him to ask again. A little louder, he asked again. “Could I please have a coloring sheet for my brother?" Y'all. He beamed with pride. His smile was bliss.

As I thought about this little learning moment on our drive home, I couldn’t help but see the ways I need to hear these things in my own life.

Be brave.

Take a deep breath.

The hardest thing to do is start.

It’s ok to ask for help.

It’s so easy to fall in the trap of adulthood, isn’t it? No, I don’t think I know everything, but I have a lot figured out, right? And then these tiny moments remind me that I no longer have someone looking over my shoulder to nudge me to do the hard stuff. To push me. To do the things even when I don’t really want to do them.

I have learned in these short years as a mama that I am not only mothering these babies, but that now it’s my job to mother myself. And when it all comes down to it, the lessons are pretty much the same.

Originally shared January 9, 2020.